How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
