when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Im part way to drunk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
