On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
