I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize