Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
