Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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