If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
