It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
