i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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