i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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