Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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