I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
