I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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