Can Purell be used as lube?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
