No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
