you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Of course I have a pirate flag
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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