I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
there is puke in my bra ... again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
