i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
