thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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