Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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