During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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