i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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