I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
send nudes
from the living room?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
