I'm gonna have a badass scar
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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