sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
