Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
