update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
