I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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