When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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