I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
