I am puke
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
