atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
