You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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