I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Drunk is a universal language darling
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