btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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