I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
