My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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