Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
