Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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