I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
