xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
