It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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