I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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