I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
