The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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