hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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