That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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