Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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