You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
