Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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