Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
