you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
