What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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