1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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