what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There r osticjed everywhere
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize