mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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