I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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