Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
