Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
