we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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