Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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