I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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