Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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